Saturday, December 6, 2014

Dear Tom // 10 months

Into another month and the difficult stage has passed as quickly as it arrived. You have emerged out the other side as this chatty little thing with the funniest facial expressions I've ever seen. You have this rattle with bells on it which you are obsessed with and you shake it with so much enthusiasm - your mouth opened wide and your eyes squinted. Its the cutest, most hilarious thing. 

You are crawling around like a madman, I cannot believe the speed on you. You mastered the proper crawl at around 9 months after 2 months of commando crawling and you now seamlessly move from crawl to sit to stand to whatever the hell position you want to be in. You've got stuck under the bed and behind your dads filing cabinet. You love brooms (random) and love to crawl around dragging one under your arm. We have been painting the lounge room and you've been running around in your walker with your own brush, sweeping it against the walls - I don't know if its too early for copying but it sure seems like you are. You are super confident on your feet and can walk behind a walker with a bit of help so who knows.. you may walk at anytime.

We have been toying with weaning and you are happy to have a bottle whenever I give it to you instead of boob. I thought maybe it would help with sleep but um no.. no change. You are on a mission to not miss out on anything and sleep just gets in the way! I'm in two minds about stopping breastfeeding but we want to think about another baby in the new year and I wouldn't mind a bit of my body to myself for a bit! You've started to cuddle up to me intentionally (when you are still for 30 seconds) and you are still a total mummies boy. You very clearly reach for me now and have this sweet little look of content on your face when you shuffle into your little koala position on my hip. 

I've had such a great couple of weeks with you. Its been like having a little bestie - we share fruit toast and juice when we go out and about. We stop and make faces in mirrors when we go shopping. We go to the aquatic centre and you squeal with delight at the water fountains and the kids swimming around you. Its been amazing. I love you my little monkey. Now please just work on your sleeping!!

Thursday, November 20, 2014


You, my boy, are not a sleeper. You can fight sleep to the death. Almost 10 months in and you are yet to sleep a longer stretch than 5 hours. The first 4 or so months you were ok. Two 5 hour stretches or 3x 4 was perfectly fine by me. I just went with it. Then we had a bad month, which has turned into a bad 5 months. Its like you physically cannot sleep longer than 2 hours without some sort of resettling - mainly breast feeding. Due to sheer exhaustion we are like a circus act in the wee hours of the morning. In your cot, in our bed, back in your cot, walking around the house rocking, back in our bed, attached to me in some way - either boob or your hands on my face while I hang off the side holding on for dear life. I feel like I've tried all the 'gentle' settling techniques there are but by now but letting you cry to sleep isn't for me (or you) so instead I chose to accept your sleep as it is.  I find it really difficult when people ask, "how is he sleeping?". I say terrible, and then enter into a long winded conversation about things I should try and things I'm doing wrong which in turn make me doubt everything I'm doing and I usually then go on a reading spree about how I can 'fix' you.. but it all comes back to letting you cry to sleep and thats not for me.. so we continue and drink lots of coffee!

And when you do sleep.. my god you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.. and I completely forget about the rest.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Dear Tom // 9 months

Oh Tommy..

Your dad and I watched you sleeping this morning in just your nappy, sprawled out across the bed and said you're not a baby anymore. The last couple of months have been hard for both of us. You've been sick with a cold and a suspected tummy bug and you're frustrated as hell. We go out every day cos you get cabin fever I swear. This age has been really difficult but before I know it it will be over so Im trying to just savour the good stuff.

You are more and more like your dad every day - always smiling but moody as hell when something isn't right. You are such a happy kid when you're out and about and occupied so we try to get out a lot. This last month however has at times felt like I'm walking on eggshells - You can snap at any minute.. although maybe I'm just sensitive to your crying. You pull on my legs whinging and carrying on until you're picked up, and then you want to touch everything up at my height. Apparently there is a separation anxiety thing that happens around this time and it couldn't be more obvious. We just laugh when you simply can not sit with Dave and have to be touching me at all times (and will go to extraordinary lengths to get to me). You hate the bath, and having your face wiped.. and having your nappy changed, or getting dressed, or getting in the car/pram haha you hate to be constrained or doing something you don't want to - yep, you are your father.

I know I'm your mum, but people comment on how gorgeous you are every single day. Your blonde hair and big blue/green eyes are always topped off with a big grin flashing your little teeth. "He's gonna break a few hearts", they say. You love food. The other day we stopped for lunch and you completely smashed a sushi roll. The little Asian man kept saying "I cannot believe it - I have never seen a baby eat sushi before". You laugh when we say "I love you" - your Nonna taught you that. You love watching the planes come in and we sit outside watching them every day. You are such an inquisitive little thing. You can't go past a door handle without touching it and inspecting it. You love hinges and bolts and latches. You are constantly moving, even if its just your hand scratching a surface, up until the second you sleep and even then you are not still.

As challenging as its been, my love for you is so big. When I sing you to sleep (after you've gone mental and start to give in) and you float off in my arms, I could cry every time. Im so lucky our breastfeeding journey is still going strong. I've enjoyed it far more than I thought I would and you've flourished from it too. Some days its hard and I'm over it, but others it flows so seamlessly.. so we'll just see where it goes. I love life so much more with you in it kiddo. It sure teaches you a few things about yourself. Lets see where the next month takes us.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

The start

For me, becoming a mother has kind of given me a clean slate. Its odd, but everything before Tom seems like a dream - all of the challenges and issues I had previously about my career (or lack of) and my identity have swiftly been removed from my brain and all of a sudden I know who I am. I'm a mum. This all sounds very magical but it comes with a whole new set of emotions which some days seem incredible and totally manageable and other days feel completely overwhelming. But its fun. Its mostly fun. Its fun but it's really fucking hard.

I've been writing a journal about various things I want to remember of this journey and suddenly thought - Leah, its 2014. Get back online. Whether anyone reads this or not, here I am. A mother, a wife and just me.